[List-Cumbria] Carlisle Patriot, 12 Jul 1823 - Poem - Surnames

[Petra Mitchinson]

Saturday 12 Jul 1823   (p. 3, col. 5)

 

                             SURNAMES. 

  

             (From the New Monthly Magazine.) 

 

Men once were surnamed from their shape or estate, 

     (You all may from History worm it) 

There was Lewis the Bulky, and Henry the Great, 

     John Lackland, and Peter the Hermit. 

But now, when the door-plates of Misters and Dames 

     Are read, each so constantly varies 

>From the owner's trade, figure and calling, Surnames 

     Seem given by the rule of contraries. 

 

Mr. BOX, though provoked, never doubles his fist, 

     Mr. BURNS in his grate has no fuel, 

Mr. PLAYFAIR won't catch me at hazard or whist, 

     Mr. COWARD was wing'd in a duel. 

Mr. WISE is a dunce, Mr. KING is a Whig, 

     Mr. COFFIN's uncommonly sprightly, 

And huge Mr. LITTLE broke down in a gig, 

     While driving fat Mrs. GOLIGHTLY. 

 

Mrs. DRINKWATER's apt to indulge in a dram, 

     Mrs. ANGEL's an absolute fury, 

And meek Mr. LYON let fierce Mr. LAMB 

     Tweak his nose in the lobby of Drury. 

At Bath, where the feeble go more than the stout, 

      (A conduct well worthy a Nero) 

Over poor Mr. LIGHTFOOT, confined with the gout, 

     Mr. HEAVISIDE danced a Bolero. 

 

Miss JOY, wretched maid, when she chose Mr. LOVE, 

     Found nothing but sorrow await her: 

She now holds in wedlock, as true as a dove, 

     That fondest of mates, Mr. HAYTER. 

Mr. OLDCASTLE dwells in a modern built hut, 

     Miss SAGE is of madcaps the archest; 

Of all the queer bachelors Cupid e'er cut, 

     Old Mr. YOUNGHUSBAND's the starchest. 

 

Mr. CHILD, in a passion, knock'd down Mr. ROCK, 

     Mr. STONE like an aspen-leaf shivers, 

Miss POOLE used to dance, but she stands like a stock, 

     Ever since she became Mrs. RIVERS. 

Mr. SWIFT hobbles onward, no mortal knows how, 

     He moves as though cords had entwined him. 

Mr. METCALFE ran off, upon meeting a cow, 

     With pale Mr. TURNBULL behind him. 

 

Mr. BARKER's as mute as a fish in the sea, 

     Mr. MILES never moves on a journey, 

Mr. GOTOBED sits up till half-after three, 

     Mr. MAKEPEACE was bred an attorney. 

Mr. GARDENER can't tell a flower from a root, 

     Mr. WILDE with timidity draws back, 

Mr. RYDER performs all his journeys on foot, 

     Mr. FOOTE all his journeys on horseback. 

 

Mr. PENNY, whose father was rolling in wealth, 

     Kick'd down all his fortune his dad won, 

Large Mr. LE FEVER's the picture of health, 

     Mr. GOODENOUGH is but a bad one. 

Mr. CRUIKSHANK stept into three thousand a year, 

     by shewing his leg to an heiress:- 

Now I hope you'll acknowledge I've made it quite clear 

     That surnames ever go by contraries.

 

 

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